Full of Poo

Caca, Poo, Poo-Poo, Poop, Turd, Guano, Sewage. Stinker.

Am I being shocking? Well, we all do it. Having a child gives you a whole new outlook on it. It’s just a natural body function.

Of course, before I had a baby, I knew that babies had poopy diapers. I just didn’t know there would be so many.

My son is a prodigious pooper. About four times a day, I’ll smell the fragrant whiff of methane gas, which indicates a blue ribbon stinker in the works.

My biggest exasperation is that my son WILL NOT lay still to have his diaper changed. If I’m lucky, I can distract him with a book or a toy. If not, he will end up crawling away from me at lightening fast speeds, getting poop all over him, his clothes, me, my clothes. Sometimes, it takes me a good ½ hour to change the pants. Sometimes, I’ll just leave his pants or shorts off, because it’s just too much work to get them back on. I swear I need a nap after one of these titanic struggles.

Actually, lately I’ve discovered that he loves me to sing him some silly song and wiggle his feet around like a maniac. So I have to so all that and try to get a diaper around him at the same time. I’ve actually become quite good at the method of taping a diaper on while the baby is crawling away, standing up, or being held up in the air by Daddy. They should have a contest or something. I bet I would win.

Thank God for Pampers and the good folks at Proctor Gamble, which just happens to be headquarted here in Cincinnati. I feel like driving up to the gates, giving the guard a smile, and saying, “I’m not psycho or anything, but if you could just let all your poop engineers know I think they make a good diaper.” I’m sure that would brighten their day.

I’ve tried other diapers. Actually, I've tried every other diaper in the world. None of them work to hold back the oceans of poop delivered to me every day by our own personal poop factory.

I can’t wait until the little boy is potty trained. When that happens, I’ll probably need to buy toilet paper by the skid. Until then, I just hope that Pampers keeps those coupons coming.