How to freeze your butt off

It has been freezing cold here in Indianapolis. So cold in fact, that you can leave your drink in the car and it will freeze into a solid chunk of ice. I am very glad we moved and got a garage so I can keep my car from freezing into a giant green colored ice cube.
The thermometer has been hovering around 0. Today, with the wind chill, it was in the negatives. It was the kind of cold you can't outrun on your way inside.
So, braving the cold, I headed out for my bi-weekly shopping day. I go sans kids, which makes shopping day almost a treat for me. I decided to range a little farther from home today, forgoing my usual Wal-mart run in favor of a Meier run. Meier is farther away, but they have a lot more selection and some good deals.
The place was a madhouse. It seemed like every person in Indianapolis was out buying beer and Fritos for the big Super Bowl event tomorrow. In Indiana, you have to buy your beer on Saturday, because for some idiotic reason you can't buy any kind of alcohol on Sunday. Dodging around Colts fans dressed in blue, who were buying anything that was dyed blue, I managed to completely fill my cart with assorted household products. None of which were dyed any shade of blue.
So heading out of the parking lot, I about hit about 3 old ladies (dressed in blue), 5 men toting light beer in commemorative Colts packaging, and 10 women (in Peyton Manning jerseys) carting out tons of Super Bowl party supplies. I finally got my shopping wedged into the truck of my Taurus around my huge double stroller. I even managed to find space to tuck in my free commemorative Colts flag they gave me at the door.
As I turned onto the main road, I gave my sporty sport Taurus SES a little gas and chirped the tires, dreaming that I was headed to the airport to catch the next flight to warm and sunny Miami to watch the Super Bowl. But alas, I lack the proper massive fundage to actually buy tickets. Well, maybe if I took out a second mortgage on my house and drained my savings, we could afford to go instead of just going to a Super Bowl party.
A few miles into my daydream, I head an ominous thumping sound coming from the rear of my car. I glanced at the road, wondering if it needed repaved. Alas, the sound continued. I pulled off into a fancy subdivision, put my blinkers on, and popped out of my car.
The expletive that flew out of my mouth next can only be rivaled by my drug free pontification a few weeks ago at the birth of my daughter. I had a fricken FLAT! It was only negative who knows what outside, I had a trunkful of groceries, and I had left the cell phone home with my husband.
On a good note, I do know how to change a tire. Thanks again dad, for making me learn how to change a tire before you would let me get my license. It has come in handy now on two occasions in my life.
I buttoned up my heavy coat, pulled my hat over my head, and stared at my gloveless hands. (Sigh). I knew this was going to suck BIG TIME. First, I had to haul all the groceries out of the truck and place them inside my car. Then I had to haul the big double stroller out of my car. Next, I took out the false floor of my truck and prayed that my spare was in working condition and that I had a jack.
Luckily I did. After laying on the cold pavement trying to find the correct spot to place the jack, and then wrestling with the jack to slowly slowly slowly turn its frozen handle the correct way, I managed to use every bit of strength I had to break the lug nuts free. Then I had to man handle the old tire off and put the donut on. Finally, after loosing all feeling in my hands, legs, and butt, I managed to get everything done and everything back into the truck.
And it only took me 45 minutes of intense painful cold to get this done. Of course, I took just as long to warm up.
And that my friend, is a great way to freeze your butt off.