Bohemian

The online dictionary defines a bohemian as: a person, as an artist or writer, who lives and acts free of regard for conventional rules and practices.

I've always had a tough time meeting new people because of my bohemian childhood. It's not that I'm shy; it's just that I don't feel like I have anything in common with most people. I've lead an interesting life. Once everyone who would be offended is gone, I promise I'll tell you all about it some day.

In the meantime, I'll give you just an innocuous glimpse:
In my teen years, we moved around a lot. We would just get to a place, and then we would move again. My shortest tenure at any school was Santa Fe Elementary, where I stayed just long enough to get a desk and my schoolbooks. I contend it was three days, my parental units say it was a week or longer. During that time, we lived in a house without running water. We got all our water from a pump outside. We were lucky, some people in that community had to haul their water from a well that was a good distance away in trucks. Because the lack of running water, we used outhouses and took baths in a barrel.

A short time later, we moved back to civilization. We returned to Indiana were my parents were originally from. My parents both enrolled in college, and attempted to make better lives for our family. In was weird to be the only kid in my class whose parents were college students. Invariability, someone would ask what my dad did, and I would have to stutter around for an answer. It wasn't that I was embarrassed; it was that he worked three jobs, AND was a college student. I really just didn't know how to answer. He was a night desk clerk, rented plant gardener, and green house dude. In his spare time he studied a lot.

It's the same thing when people ask me where I'm from. I usually just say Lafayette Indiana. But really, I didn't move to Lafayette until I was in 7th grade. The years before that are a blur. I really don't call anyplace "home". Although if pressed, I say that I "grew up" in New Mexico. I'm really jealous of my husband, who lived in the same house almost his ENTIRE life. He never changed schools EVER! His parents still live in the same house they built in 1976!

Another reason I have never really "fit in" is that I was probably the most well read kid in my school. I would snitch my parent’s novels from their bookshelves and take them with me to read during study hall. I became addicted to science fiction at an early age. I sure I freaked my teachers out when I came to school with Heinlein, Brooks, and Varley under my arm at the young age of 13. One teacher asked me if I thought "The World According to Garp" might be a little to mature for me. I just shook my head and kept walking. It wasn't until later that I found the sex scene between the mentally challenged man and the nurse. That was some interesting reading for a 13-year-old girl!

To this day, I'm an avid reader. My favorite classes in college were history classes, because I could read big thick books. Once for the fun of it, I took a speed-reading class. On the first day, I clocked 600 words a minute. Believe it or not, my dad reads faster than I do. We gave him a book for Christmas once, and he had it finished by noon.

So I think the reason I have a tough time meeting people is that I don't really feel like I have a lot in common with people. Now that I have kids, it's a little easier, because at least we have that common ground to talk about.

I still find myself cringing when someone tells me contradictory information about parenting. I want to yell, "Hey, I read the book!" When someone tells me to rub whiskey on my baby's gums. But usually I just smile, nod my head, and pretend to listen.

What can one say to a neighbor who thinks that the moon landing never happened, that's it's okay to eat fish out of a contaminated river, and that George Bush is the best thing that ever happened to this country (sorry if your a fan)? Maybe my problem is that Indiana is one of the most conservative states, and I really just can't relate sometimes. Maybe I'm not a bohemian in the traditional sense, I don't wear bedsheets or put flowers in my hair, but in some ways, my mind will always be tainted by a hint of bohemian.

I think I'll just take my liberal mind and go home. I have another book to read.

Oh, and don’t forget to look for my novel in bookstores in about twenty years!

The Midnight Gardener

The midnight gardener

Roams alone

Through the rustic wonder of night

The moon shines down as the world

Goes to sleep

Illuminating the world in soft grays

And muted colors

With rake shovel and hoe

Instruments of death

Weeds falling to the slaughter

Hiding behind shadows to escape

Solace surrounds me as I bring life

To this world

Create color out of brown mud

Sound fills the air,

An owl or a coyote in the distance

A cricket’s chirp, a friendly sigh in a welcoming ear.

I am a midnight gardener.

Jessica Miller Spring 2007

Smells Like New Car

Years ago, when I was still young and more in touch with my hip side, I vowed I would never ever drive a mini-van.

However, a decade and two kids later will make you change your mind real fast.

Yes, I know. I'm a married thirty something with two kids living in the suburbs. But really, once you have two kids, you need the mini van

My "new to me" mini van was delivered today, and I can't wait to drive it. It's a sleek sporty sliver color. My old car was "spruce green." I was really getting sick of that color. It seemed okay when I bought it, but three years later, the green really wears on you. It reminded me of a big green booger.

I thought the family size sedan was going to work. And it did, until we added the baby. Once the baby was added, and two car seats, the sedan became a little too cramped. With both myself and my husband near six feet tall, we ran out of legroom, and headroom, and moving room. Don't get me wrong; the kids had plenty of room in the back. But because the seats can't touch the back of the front seat, we were pushed uncomfortably close to the dash.

Now with the new wheels, we will all be able to have breathing room. Or at least room to sit without our knees being bashed against the dash. I'll also have plenty of room for the double stroller and groceries. I know, I know, I'm such a stereotype, but you know what? If nothing else, it's a comfortable life!

A real conversation Vol !

This conversation actually took place. This is not fiction. Names may have been changed to protect the innocent, or the really stupid.

Scene: Wendy's drive through.

Time: Noon

Starring:

Me: A harried mother of two on the go. Wearing a lovely new shirt, now covered with drool, spit up, and muddy spots.

Employee: A witless moron type, wearing the requisite Wendy’s attire, complete with moronic look on face.

Me: Hello. I would like to order a chicken nugget kids meal, with white milk and a fruit cup.

Employee: We don't have fruit cups.

Me: Oh, I thought you did. What do you have?

Employee: I don't know, let me check (Pause). We have orange slices.

Me: (confused) I think that will work.

My question is, isn't a fruit cup and a cup of orange pieces the same exact thing? And why did you have to check, don't you work there? Also, they forgot the kid’s toy in the meal. What a bunch of amateurs!

Mult-task

I am the soon to be annouced new Queen of the Multi-Task! Tiara please! Roses please!

Things I can do at the same time:

1. Feed a baby and Feed myself

2. Burp a baby and put together a toy for my two year old

3. Work and watch tv, write my blog, and pay bills, all at the same time.

4. Drive and eat, while singing crazy children's songs to calm down my kids.

5. Drive and feed my daughter a bottle, in the back seat (I have really long arms!)

6. Wait for doctor at the office and finish reading whatever book I'm into at the time.

7. Do dishes or cook, and talk on the phone to friends and family

8. Grocery shop and entertain kids at the same time

9. Vac the floor and dance with my two year old and the same time

10. Rock a baby and relax at the same time.

Notice all these involve kids. I've determined that if you have kids, you HAVE to mult-task. You can't survive if you don't. I think once you become a parent, that part of you kicks into high gear.

So I'm waiting for my diamond encrusted tiara to arrive. It should be here soon. In the meantime, I think I have something elese to do!

Dirty little boys

I've noticed that my little boy gets dirty in every way possible. He is a little dirt magnet. If it's not dirt, then it's whatever he happens to be eating.
He refuses to wear a bib. In fact, he hasn't worn one since he's been about a year old. One day, he just started savagely tearing them off and shouting, "NO"! If you even come near him with a bib, he starts flailing his arms wildly. He is a pretty neat eater, so this usually isn't a problem. If he eats something really messy, we just take his shirt off.
His being a neat eater actually has its downsides. He hates getting his hands dirty, so he will just poke at his food. He sometimes makes nasty faces at his dirty hands and holds them out to me to clean. If I'm not fast enough, he will wipe them on his clothes.
He loves the sand box. He hopped right in, and started getting dirty right away. I wasn't getting dirty enough for him, so he grabbed my hand and plunged it into the dirt.
He loves to "help" me wash dishes. If I even think of turning the water at the sink on, he starts scooting the chair over. He gets up on the chair and plays in the water, usually dumping large glasses of water all over him and the floor. Today, I gave him a dishrag and he helped me clean up the puddles on the floor. He thought it was great fun. Then he ran into the utility room and hauled out the broom. He started sweeping the floor.
That's when I decided that this kid thing was going to work out okay. Now, if I can only get him to clean bathrooms and vacuum, then I'll have it made!

The house of pestilance

My house is a house of pestilence. The kids are sick, and the parents are sick. Which is not a good combination.

My son started it all. He got the stomach bug last week. The first day he got it, I was picking up my mom. As she got into the car, I heard a retching sound from behind me. I said, "Please tell me that he just didn't throw up." My mom promptly told me that he was covered from head to toe. When we got home (a good 25 minute drive) we stripped the little boy down in the driveway and I literally hosed him and his car seat off. Luckily, it all stayed in the car seat. All I had to do was unlatch the seat from the anchors, manhandle it out of the car, and then figure out the puzzle of how it was all attached. Then I threw everything in the wash. Since that day, I have been running the washing machine constantly. My son seemed better, but then he started throwing up in his bed every night. That's fun to clean up. Then we had a whole day where it SEEMED like he was getting better. But then the next thing I knew, I was starting at him watching poo run down both legs onto my carpet. I grabbed a handy nearby blanket, wrapped him in it like a burrito, and threw him in the bath.

Just when things were getting calmed down with him, my husband and I both caught this pestilence. For us, it was just a 2-day thing. But we were down for the count. I could barely get out of bed on Saturday, and Jeff couldn't get out of bed on Sunday.

Then the baby caught the germs. She is throwing up like crazy. She just gave me a puke bath earlier. Mind you, I had just had my evening shower, and I had to get right back in again.

So today I bleached everything. Every spot that anyone could conceivably touch. Every countertop, tabletop, light switch, and doorknob. Hopefully, that chases the bugs away.

On a good note, sometimes kids really make the rain clouds go away. I was explaining thunder and rain to my son today as a storm system moved through our area. I told him that thunder and lighting let the rain come, and the rain makes the trees and grass green. You know what he looked at me and said . . .?
"Cool"

A (not so) far away land

There is a land, not so far away, that you don't need a passport to visit. You don't need air miles, or even an overnight bag to visit. Where is this exotic and foreign place?
I'll give you a tiny hint. The most prolific wild animal is the tame dust bunny. It shares its natural home with wheat bread and hamburger buns.
The land I'm referring to is the land of confiscated toys. My little piece of paradise happens to be found on the top of my Whirlpool refrigerator. Sometimes, in other places, this land can be found in drawers and closets. Remember, this magical place can be found in ANY home with children.
When I was a child, our land of confiscated toys was in my parent’s closet. Sometimes our Atari or later our Nintendo would disappear into it's depths for weeks at a time.
There are several toys in the land at the moment. They tend to fall into three categories. The first, and most important, are toys that are incredibly annoying to parental units. These toys are hidden in the hopes that the child will forget it ever existed. The second category is toy that your child has been grounded from. For example, my son likes to throw his trains across the room when he gets frustrated. Therefore, I have at times three complete trains on top of my refrigerator. Engine, freight cars, and caboose, it's all up there! It is a very colorful addition to my black appliance.
The third is possibility dangerous small toys that you child might grow into at a later date. As soon as my son opens a package, this mean mom is quickly hiding all the small accessories that come with it. Right now, I have several happy meal toys that are not quite appropriate for two years olds up there.
What's in your land of confiscated toys? Keep in mind you can also apply this theory to pets and clueless spouses!

Handy Manny

I did several things today that I'm really proud of. Just thought I would share . . .
The first thing I did was to figure out how to strip down my Kirby vacuum cleaner and attached the carpet cleaner that I have never used. I have never used it because it's pretty complicated to attach it all to the vacuum. I had to do this because my son puked all over the brand new carpet in the family room. Luckily, it came out and the solution left a pleasant scent. As I was stripping the carpet cleaner back down, cleaning out all the associated bits, and turning it back into my kick ass vacuum cleaner, my son threw up again on the carpet. That will teach me to get ahead of my self.
The second thing I did today that I am proud of is that I cleaned up all that puke without puking myself. Gross . . . But I think the ability to suppress the gag reflux is a mom thing.
The third thing I did today that I am proud of is that I stripped down my sewing machine, cleaned it all out, and oiled it using only the shoddy instructions from Singer.
Do I smell a career in small appliance repair in my future? Maybe. And I apparently don't even need to take a mail order course!

Sleep

Sleep seems to be in a short supply lately. Of course, with a new baby, you sort of expect not to get any.
Lyrics from a Barenaked Ladies song keep running through my mind, "Sleep - never gonna get it. Sleep - tell me what's that for? Sleep -- be happy with what you’re getting . . . "
My daughter has her days and night's mixed up. It started out with some wicked colic and gas. Now that we have her past that, she just doesn't want to sleep in her bed.
I've tried almost everything. Books about baby sleep line my room. I'm single-handedly contributing to the New York bestseller's list. My old standby, Ms. Gina Ford, English nanny and sleep expert hasn't even solved the problem.
The problem is that the baby just resists any type of schedule. My son is completely the opposite. He loved his schedule from the first day he came home. In fact, you attempt to deviate from it, and your going to hear about it.
My son is a champion sleeper. due in part to the above mentioned Ms. Gina Ford. Her book, "The New Contented Baby Book" is a wonderful thing. I'm just hoping that at some point, my daughter will be able to adjust to a better schedule, and Mommy will be able to get some much needed shut eye.

In other news, I'm going to be starting a new job. I will be working from home for a marketing company taking orders and handling customer service inquiries. It will be perfect for me, because I can set my own hours and dates I work. I can work just a few hours a week, and exercise my brain just a little bit. Plus, I'm going to be earning a little bit of mad mommy money. I've finished the training, and look forward to starting soon. They just have to do a background check, to make sure I'm not a credit card thief or a convicted felon. I probably won't be doing a lot of it at first (see above about sleep deprivation) but it's good to have something to do when I want to.